Mikes sexting D!ck Pics
We start this episode with Mike’s wandering. Mike swears up and down he is not the person sending a text via Whatsapp. He tells Nema he doesn’t even have Whatsapp. Nema points out that he is on a group chat with him on Whatsapp. Mike is supposedly jacking off to pictures of women on the app. Nema reads one that says, “Can you send me another picture so I can finish?” And the woman replies, “Finish what?” Mike answers, “CUMMMMMMMMMM Yes with eleven m’s.” I feel like hes obviously guilty. The trip to Palm Springs is supposed to be for Mike’s birthday. Now he is worried he’s headed for drama. Well, keep your Dool to yourself then, asshole! Paulina will be with the gang in Palm Springs. This is going to be good.
MJ has a new friend coming on to the show. Her name is London, and she’s some sort of dating coach who also happens to be gay. But, more importantly, her grandmother is fantastic. I need a scene with London’s grandmother and Vida. Hell, they need a spinoff. Dating coaches apparently make a lot of money because the house is beautiful! MJ says that she and Tommy are not doing well with intimacy after having a baby. Then they run out and play tennis on London’s private tennis court. MJ displays her hidden tennis talents… with a lot of embellishments.
You’ve met…. Mike’s Penis?
I’ve Met Mike’s Dool Too…
Reza and Adam go on a hike up a hill to a Temple. It’s pretty cool. Apparently, these two are doing better. Adam wants a peaceful, safe place to talk about Reza’s relationship with MJ. They still have a restraining order on Tommy, so he can’t go to Palm Springs. Adam wants to get back to a friendship with the group. Oh, sweetie, that is so not going to happen. This is the first time Golnesa is leaving the baby. Mike, Nema, MJ, and London take a massive limo to Palm Springs. London has been texted by Mike’s penis. OMG. That dool knows no limits.
Reza and Adam went in their own limo because drinking in a confined space for two hours is not a good idea for hostilities. This may be the smartest thing Reza has ever said. Destiney and Golnesa ride in their limo. So clearly, lines have been drawn. Oh, it looks like Adam didn’t get to go on the trip. WTF? Adam always gets the short end of the stick. In MJ’s limo, London starts her dating coach questions. This makes me believe she’s not really a dating coach. She’s bringing her job on vacation. Anyway, they talk about threesomes, and Nema says he had multiple threesomes when he was married. MJ would cut a bitch. The theme of the trip is 2010, when they claim they all got along. They did not. Nema has not spoken to Reza in a year.
Let The Spending Begin!
I’m already feeling sorry for the owner of this home. They have no idea what is about to go down. MJ has sent Reza an extremely long list of items they will need from the grocery store. Bravo pays for this, so why not go big. I remember my Bravo source marveling at how much money Kim, Kroy, and the gang spent on their RV trip at convenience stores (mostly lotto tickets for Kim ). Anyway, Reza, Golnesa, and Destiney can’t find all the Persian stuff they want in the grocery store. I love when they speak Persian, though. It’s not really like Arabic, more like a cross between Arabic and French. They spent $1,733.88 for TWO DAYS. I have no room to judge. Oh, and Destiny is wearing a blonde wig, tiny dress, and clear heels. It’s very Pretty Woman.
Reza is already pissed on arrival when he finds out that Nema is occupied in the bathroom. He may have to help carry all the groceries in rather than expecting Nema to be his little bitch. Isn’t he on IG all the time lifting weights? Dude, get your ass out there and carry some groceries! By the way, Nema helped with all the groceries. Golnesa is ignoring Nema. Golnesa has also upped her bangles game. It’s still not at my level or Asa’s level, but it is impressive. Mostly Cartier.
Reza Starts With Nema Already
Reza is being a complete cunt to Nema. He blames Nema for interfering with his relationship with Mercedeh. No, dude, you’ve done a fine job of being awful to your “friend of thirty years” since you came on the show. You literally tried to drown her drunk ass in a bathtub in Las Vegas. She forgives you every time. It makes total sense for Nema to support Mercedeh. Reza is an asshole who worries that Mercedeh is the star of the show, and he is always fighting for that position for himself. End of story. Nema is collateral damage in the struggle between Reza and Mercedeh to be the queen of the show. Reza starts screaming insults at Nema because he thinks this show should be just like a Housewives series. When it should try to be more like Family Karma.
London, the new show therapist apparently, counsels Nema. So far, she is a peacemaker. I was worried she was going to come in hot as Leva did on Southern Charm. She might just be the calming voice we need; who knows. London has them both say two things they like about each other. Nema is sweet and promotes his hair products, and says he supports the people he loves. Reza says that Nema has the most beautiful eyes on the planet, and he is always jovial and wants to have a good time. She brokers a beautiful truce, and Reza and Nema hug it out. London is a miracle worker.
Next, London Tackles Golnesa
Oh, London, you’ve done so well. Perhaps take a breath before trying to fix Golnesa. Golnesa asks about her dating coach job. London says that she helps people understand how their past traumas (I’m totally paraphrasing here) lead to issues in their dating life. Golnesa says that her relationships fail because she needs to be “constantly stimulated mentally.” My mind goes utterly blank regarding responding to that. Then she says she wants to be polyamorous. She wants a group of people that will all be her bitches. Oh, sweetie. That is not how polyamory works. You are like the worse candidate for a polyamorous relationship. No shade intended. Just have a lot of guys on your cellphone. That’s what you want. You want to bang a lot of people who want you. You have the perfect platform for that. Polyamory? Not so much.
Speaking of whoring around… It’s time to confront Mike and his wandering dool. Everyone has an NYE 2010 party to make New Year’s resolution. London needs Midol. Reza swigs Pepto Bismol. MJ wants to mend things with Golnesa. Mike says he needs to control his emotions. If by emotions he means his dool, that’s an excellent resolution! Nema wants to make up with Golnesa. Golnesa says in 2010, she would tell everyone to just wait and see. She’s not the bad guy in the group. Production shows a full montage of Golnesa being the bad guy in the group. Destiney wants to communicate better. Then Reza says he wants to never talk about Mike’s dool again.
We’re In The Shallow Now…
Of course, Reza has poked the bear, and the topic of Mike’s roaming dool is about to blow up. Did I mention this is his birthday weekend? Mike goes outside to the grill, and Golnesa tells him that she is on his side. However, she tells him he needs to stop lying to all the girls he messes with online. Golnesa says she needs multiple relationships at the same time, so she gets it. But he can’t keep lying to women. Mike tells the camera that taking advice from Golnesa about relationships is like taking cooking advice from Jeffery Dahmer. I see his point. Mike comes inside very confrontational. Destiney tells us that he sucks for toying with someone’s heart.’s She close with Paulina, apparently.
Destiney calls mike “shallow.” He claims that because he shops at Target, he cannot possibly be shallow. I mean, really? Mike has the intelligence of a nematode. No offense to Nema. Mike says,” You would drown in my ocean of depth. I’m sorry this is long and running very late, but I need a moment to stop laughing hysterically. Okay, I am ready to continue. I have sufficiently warmed up my vocal cords for American Idol. “We’re in the shallow now….”
Next week: The drama continues with horseback riding and a surprise visit from Mike’s girlfriend, Paulina.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS EPISODE! What did you think? Y’all know I’m biased and love this show. Am I wrong?